Is What You Want What You Need?

So many lessons come out of the process of divorcing. This one is called examine why you are holding on to what you are holding on to and be sure it’s what you need.

My ex and I were relatively fortunate, I think, in that we really didn’t fight over stuff. We respect each other and know what the other cares about, so he didn’t want to keep the things he knew mattered to me, and vice versa.

The hardest things to split were our houses. After years of saving and planning, we were able to purchase the house next door. My long-term vision was that after paying it off by using it as a rental property, we’d connect the houses with an addition across the back, turning twin bungalows into one house shaped as a U. Maybe a pool in between, and a zip line for sending stuff back and forth.

That I thought of this as each of us having our own home, like Frida and Diego, might have been a subconscious clue that I was trying to plan my way out of forever and ever. I joked about being able to park him next door with some of our other friends where they could amuse themselves in old age and I could drop in for visits. Talking about visiting someone you live with is like saying a father is babysitting his kids …

For the first couple of months, I tried every way I could think of to make the numbers work so I could keep both houses. This created no small amount of stress and strife.

One day, I realized that I was fighting to keep a house so I could have two houses, but the entire reason I wanted two houses was to move him into the other one.

Yes, I was trying to keep a house I didn’t need for a husband I wouldn’t have.

The adversarial tension made me blind to what I was really hoping to achieve. We might have concluded matters sooner had I taken time to step back and reflect on what my long-term vision was for how my life might turn out.

I have one house now. That’s what I need. Some friends have joked that he could move in next door, while others have said in terrified whispers with wide eyes what if he moves in next door?! I don’t think he plans on it, but that would be fine. Because right now, they are two houses, not joined together, and there’s plenty of room for whatever needs to happen.