Advice for the AT&T Guy on Staying Married

Ma’am, are you real busy right now?

This was not the question I was expecting from the AT&T service tech now that my internet was up and running and I was holding the door open for him to leave.

I was on the brink of saying yes, tersely, and pulling the door open wider. A week prior, another service tech who came to the house to help with the transition to getting the bills in my name had noted the art, figured out who my ex is, and offered to “maybe buy me a beer sometime.” My antennae were up.

A friend noted that being newly divorced, I’d find myself renegotiating all sorts of interactions with men. True, and even before the divorce was final, that was becoming exhausting.

The words emotional labor floated through my brain, as did the thought that depending upon how inappropriate this got, I might be able to get a few months’ free service. But the guy seemed really concerned and almost scared, so I took a deep breath and decided to be patient.

I shut the door and told him no, I wasn’t busy. Which was a total lie, by the way, and the critic living in my head who doesn’t seem to have a pause button was instantly giving me feedback on why I shouldn’t need to lie to put a stranger at ease so he could impose upon me and that this was probably when my luck would run out and I’d be attacked in my own home by someone I let through the door.

When he had arrived earlier, the tech had been puzzled, since he was turning on the exact same service that had only been turned off three days before. He asked why I was doing that, and I explained that going through a divorce even after being the secondary person on the account for 18 years meant that AT&T had to cancel, then reconnect to get the billing organized.

So here he was, telling me his story:

Him: Well, my girl is moving in with me, and I love her a lot.
But sometimes, we fight and stuff, and I’m just wondering,
you know, how you can keep from …
well, ummmm … you know, like …

Me: Keep from getting a divorce?

Him: Well, yeah …

Another deep breath. Really deep. My first impulse was to let this question reflect on me. What sadness, tragedy, shame, failure did he see in me that made him ask?

But it’s never about you, even when you think it is, right? This was clearly about him. He was decidedly anxious realizing that even making it to the 18-year-mark was no guarantee of success in a relationship. So I shared what I hope might give him some quick insight and get him out the door.

Don’t become a mean drunk. Or even, really, a happy drunk. If you’re drinking to avoid your problems, that means you’re not talking about them with the people you need to be.

Don’t be mean, period. I mean, obviously, right?

Be kind. Always. It is ok to fight. People do. But air it out and then pause to remember that life is hard and this is someone you love.

Work at it and take care of each other. You have to talk, ask questions, and pay attention. You have to take care of each other and remember that you are there to support each other.

I reminded him that it really was difficult and that not only are there no guarantees, but there’s no reason to stay in a relationship if it isn’t functioning.

He assured me that he doesn’t drink or even smoke, and that he really does love her, so I told him that the fact that he was worried about how to have a good relationship made it far more likely he would have one.

I fought the urge to ask him to hook me up for the next level of fiber or some satellite TV or something like that, but just smiled, told him good luck, and opened the door again. He wished me luck, too, and told me to take care …

… and then, after I closed the door and for one of the first times during the whole divorce experience, I cried.