Thirty Reasons I Swiped Right

You’re allergic to apples? No way! *I’m* allergic to apples!

Dog is cute.

You play tennis? No way! *I* play tennis!

He seems like he went to a good school and has a good job.

He’s hot and has a Spanish name.

Medical professional probably means doctor and not drug rep, right?

He has a Spanish name and if I squint, and if he’s tall, then he’s definitely close enough to being hot.

Want to ask where his daughter got that sweater.

He seems rich, but infirm.

I want to ask why you’re the 18th guy I’ve seen who says your location is the airport. Does that mean you are actually just a business traveler on a layover? Or do that many people who aren’t pilots really live near the airport?

YOLO!

One of his photos is him in front of the White House, although not chained to the fence. Unclear which administration this photo was taken during, so I’m going to go with prior.

My mom would approve.

My mom would definitely NOT approve.

His first photo is him on a boat, piercing blue eyes and sandy blond hair. I see us sailing near a small island off the coast of Maine. His shirt slightly crunchy from salt when I reach out to grab his shoulder to steady myself but I fall into his arms … I realize as I swipe right that his shirt doesn’t say Hillary for President but Hillary for Prison. I shake my phone furiously but learn you can’t un-swipe once you swipe right. Edit profile to say “mouthy liberal who’s still with her.”

He has all his teeth.

He says he heli-skis and someone I know follows him on Instagram.

He’s wearing an Hermès belt that matches the color of his shoes.

The books on his bookshelves are not business/motivational texts, and the shelves are not made out of plywood and coffee cans.

The shelves are made out of plywood and coffee cans but he’s got a midcentury modern chair and lamp, and a full shelf of poetry. And no guitar.

Fuckable.

Could probably talk to him for at least the length of time it takes to drink a double Mt. Gay and tonic, which would move him from easy on the eyes to fuckable.

Just want someone to explain what an oil & gas specialist really is.

Do they kick you off if you never swipe right on someone?

I think he’s the one in the fuzzed out match queue so maybe if I swipe right I’ll actually finally match with someone? Oh well, guess not.

He says liberals should swipe left so I’ll just mess with him for a little. Delete “mouthy liberal etc.” from profile.

Wow, I like all of his shirts. None of them appear to have any sheen to them.

Is that Athens? I’ve always wanted to go to Athens.

I think this is the same guy but he keeps writing a new profile and I’m going to get to the bottom of this.

I am alone. All alone. And hungry.

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I’m thinking about setting this to music and performing it at a slam poetry night, then using those photos of me onstage with my bongos in my new profile.